The theme for today is to pass on some useful advice or information that I leaned and always remember?
There is actually one that I learned quite recently, about three years ago. I used to be a very emotional person, like my Mum, as I said here. :) I still am today, though I'd LOVE to say, and I hope I can say it, that I got better in controlling my emotions. Specifically anger.
I'm not saying that I have perfected the skill, or else my ex wouldn't say that I'm always angry for the littlest things. Oops. :P In my defense, for the past years, I was merely rambling, it felt NOTHING like the complete HOT, RAW sudden burst of emotions I felt before, and it felt GOOOODDD, for me at least. Haha. Granted I should've known that ranting would make the other person uncomfortable as well, ... but I didn't! :P So, the point is, I am still learning, but there is a lesson here, an information, that I hope at least partially useful, that I learned so far, and always remember.
In my opinion, anger is basically always derived from FEAR. In incapability to handle that pang of fear, came a sudden panic reaction, and frustation that is then felt as that raw, rough, powerful, sweeping, HOT emotion, that was pushing to be expressed. Or else it feels like we will explode. True story, we won't though.
But like dealing with a bratty kid, we cannot help to fall for his demand. Then we entertain him, feed the anger, and just like a bratty kid, the more we feed him, the worse he becomes.
This is worsen by the condition that, if you are like me, anger is labelled as a negative emotion that needs to be avoided at ALL TIME. The thing is, we cannot evade anger. It is a natural state and a part of the spectrum of human emotions. It is very natural and normal to experience anger. But there ARE other ways to express anger than to burst in flames, and no, I'm not talking about revenge.
I am NOT also going to say that anger is a positive emotion. It is bad to me. Bad, really bad to the people I know and who knows me as well. But, ... there are ways to express it, and proven ways to get away with it. Ways to relieve it, without hurting anyone, including yourself, and this is what we are going to talk about today.
1. To control that HOT emotion.
HOW?
First and foremost I think it is to understand that anger is based on fear. Let me know If I am wrong here, but this is true ALL THE TIME for me. So when I feel anger, the first thing I do to control that HOT emotion is to identify the source of my anger, what was it that I afraid of?
Mind you, my responses to these can be the silliest things. For example, it always gets me when my parents or my brother, or anyone in no particular, walks back and forth, seemingly aimlessly, in front of my bathroom door, when I'm taking a shower. Granted it's also called a pet peeve, but what it really is was that since my bathroom door has this glass panel in the middle of it, nevertheless blurry, you can sort of see through it, also, I was scared that they can see what I was doing inside! Eugh! That would feel like being watched, that is so uncomfortable, and I can't freely do anything that I want in the bathroom. Also, since the walls weren't sound proof either, when they are in that close proximity, no matter how loud the sound of the water will be, they might hear me SING (oh dear gods, no)! Or talking to myself (I think out loud in the shower too). Point is, I was scared they could hear or see what I was up to, and I was scared of what they might've think of me! Mind you, I might be a very shy weird person.
Phew, that was a long explanation.
Now the thing is, whatever they were supposed to do in the close proximity to the bathroom is not wrong! OF COURSE! They weren't doing anything to harm me, specifically, or eavesdropping intentionally. It was just basically how I chose to feel responding to the situation! Then in my fear and seemingly incapability to do anything to overcome that fear, I felt anger instead.
Oh it applies to everything. The most common one is for example, you will be angry when someone is late. The common phrase will be, "Shame on you! You selfish PIG! You have NO RESPECT of my time! I ALWAYS try my best to be on time so that people do not have to wait for me!"
Read those words carefully. What argument is in there but ego?
Whereas the underlying fear can be anything really. You are afraid that you are going to miss the show (in the cinema). You are afraid of being late to the party and what your friends that have been there waiting for you would think. You are afraid that the person does not like you enough so they were trying to postpone meeting you. Or you were afraid that they don't think that you are good enough to be waited on earlier before you come. Or... you are afraid of the wait itself, that you will have nothing to do, and that you will be wasting your time. Seriously, the good use of your time is entirely up to you, even while waiting, or even the option to wait or not.
So, don't hold on to it. To our anger, I mean. You know what it said, drop it like it's hot!
Okay out of context, :) but IT IS HOT! Why holding on someting hot? Would you hold a burning red inglot in your hands? No! It hurts, isn't it, and you shouldn't! It will burn you! Nor should you throw it to someone else! It will hurt them!
It takes practice I tell you. I wasn't sucessful the first few couple of times, I was still feeling the need to hit something those first few couple of times.
Usually it was the wall, but then I cried because it hurt. :/ Eep! So then I started to punch my pillows instead. But they were too fluffy and adorable, and so I stopped doing it (what? haha).
Tell yourself it's okay. Emotions don't stay. Nothing in this world does. I always promise myself that once I get in my room and breathe the cool air, I will not remember anything about it unless I let my self to.
2. Express your anger assertively, simply tell them what you need.
The formula is said to be something like this, ... or this is my version:
"Oh no! Having you doing [a] makes me feel [b] because [c], would you just do [d] each time you do that instead?"
e.g.
"Oh no! Having you clicking your tounge like that repetitively makes me feel anxious because I feel like I'm being rushed, it really is not a good feeling, would you not do that when I'm around please?"
They also do tell that the voice should be warm and welcoming. Have no idea yet how that sounds, haha, but I think it should definitely not raised voice, in normal tone, firm, but clear, and welcoming for inputs. Does that make sense? Haha, sorry. There was these several websites that you can refer to for the full on explanation, but I lost the links, I'll link it when I find them again. :)
3. Last but not least, somehow I think when we are deprived of our basic needs, it will be easier for us to get irritated and thus angry, since we can't think straight enough. So avoid all things all the best we can that will make us irritable the whole time. Those mood bars in The Sims? Much like that.
Drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, feed yourself all you can, don't hold on when you need to 'let it go' to the loo, and generally, find things that will make you happy! Do them! Sometimes some distractions can work wonders too! :)) Oh Youtube and Bloglovin can be amazing, even Google image (cute cats pictures)! :)
Happy anger expressing!
Em
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